Withdrawal

A precious wound....a heart break you won't let go of because it hurts too good...

I believe in signs...everywhere I look, everything I read is about you...sign to ring you or let you go?
Tyke's FB status - " I can't quit you baby, but I am going to put you down for a while"

Love

I love how I feel when I think of you
I love how I think when memories of you possess my mind
I love the words that come out of my mouth when I talk to you
I love the way I listen when you talk to me
I love the way I feel when you touch me
I love the way I touch you
I love who I am when I am with you

I disappear into the person I love
I am a permeable membrane
If I love you, you can have it all.....all of me
I have loved and I have given it all, I have gotten so exhausted and depleted that the only way I could get over this love, is by being infatuated with someone else

Love isn't about loving someone else alone...it's about loving yourself while you love that someone
I love you... I love you so much because I love me when I am with you

My fantasy of you is one I have a hard time letting go of...I always wondered why, why only you? Because despite our arguments, despite our falling outs how I feel always remained the same...you might have changed but the way you make me feel has always remained the same.

Fear

The Five Truths About Fear:

1) The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow
2) The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it
3) The only way to feel better about myself is to go out... and do it
4) Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I'm on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else
5) Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness

Art of Living

Everything in life happens for a reason. I believe that is true for what happens and when it happens. I believe that it happens not just for you but other people around you....we are connected in such a way that one of us acts as a messenger for another.....

So came into my life Art of Living. I had done this course for the first time 5 years ago in 2005. It was an impactful experience which I thought had changed my world. Truth is, it didn't. It made an impact for the time that it happened but shortly after lost its novelty. Here I am, 5 years later in 2010 doing the course again.

Art of living is a system developed by H H Shri Shri Ravi Shankar that aims to teach people the art of living in this crazy busy world of ours through techniques of breathing, yoga and positive conditioning of the mind. Also, the fact that it is done in groups creates massive positive energy which manages to touch people who do this course, along with the people who know them.

This course taught me, or actually reinforced certain facts of wisdom that we tend to forget with stress and other distractions of this world. General facts that we all need to remember to protect our minds from the craziness that has taken over this world and hope that we can spread our sanity and happiness to another person, and another person, and another person, thus making an impact on the world's lives.

The class begins with yoga,which re-energizes the body. It stretches the body to limits where the mind allows it to. The teachers say "Smile" while trying. The muscles on the face work in unison with the muscles in your body. This is followed by breathing exercises, creating the mood for acceptance and change. Supposedly, man uses only 30 percent of his lung capacity. This technique of breathing teaches us to utilize our lungs for what they are worth. The teachers say you can control your thoughts with your breathing by becoming aware. Become aware of how you breathe when you are experiencing different emotions. Don't let the emotions control the breathing. Control your emotions through your breathing.
With gratitude, sincerity and honor, we then begin to meditate. A sense of peace and calm achieved through breathing. The first time I did this, I wondered why people used marijuana to relax. I won't describe the experience, just how I felt after. I felt open, receptive, warm and grateful. I wanted to change the world, I wanted to implement the lessons learnt here, I wanted to grow, I wanted to be ME. I was beginning to like me.

The course talks about many things. The main thing they try and leave you with are the 5 lessons which can be remembered with the help of one hand.
1. Opposite values are complementary - only when you have seen the worst, can you truly appreciate the good for what its worth. Don't take anything for granted, good things are too precious for that.

2.Don't see intentions behind other people's mistakes - every human is here trying to live their own life, trying to make their way being the best they can be. It is human instinct to maximize what they can gain from any situation. You do the same. In the process, if you get hurt, if someone steps on your toes, don't hold it against them..after all, they are only doing what you may have done, in the way that they know how.

3. Don't be a football of other people's opinions - be your own, love your own. Don't let what other people say or do change who you are. People change, what they say change, what they do change - trust yourself in knowing that you are doing your best.

4. Present moment is inevitable - The present moment is already here. Don't fight it. Work with it. You cannot change the moment but you can change your reaction to the moment, which in turn changes the future. I am a believer of energies, but not a blind believer. Actions, along with thoughts are essential for energy to take form and be powerful enough to create moments. It is harder to create a happy moment than a sad one. Accept, do, learn and move forward.

5. Live in the present - The past is gone, the future is yet to come - all we have is the present. Don't lose it thinking of what has passed and what is going to come. Gain the present. Be in the moment.

Points of View

What do you need to make you happy? - when asked this question, most people answer with reference to a person, an event, a prospect...even the dictionary defines this as an adjective characterized by something...a feeling felt over something...My question: can people be happy inside? can people just be happy? no event , no person, no incident....happy to be alive? happy to be where they are? happy to be how they are? happy in their present moment?..so happiness is characterized by something...by something within us = life, by something about us= place and health.... take a moment...breathe!! clear your mind and feel the happiness within.....

TRY - someone said this where disturbance in the mind begins...so stop trying...and just DO it...do it! give it your 100%....if you DO it with your 100% there will be no regret....there will be no looking back...


Opposite values complement each other - you need to experience the bad to know how valuable the good is...people that have seen good times are fortunate. People who have seen good times are blessed. But even more blessed are people who have seen the bad times too. They are able to appreciate and value the good. Truly appreciate the good for all its worth. But in these trying times, we tend to forget to value and appreciate when there is good and complain during the bad times. Attitude and Gratitude. Be aware and appreciate all there is to appreciate.

Our parents are the reason the way we are - true enough! They shape the way we see the world, they shape the way we react to the world...but I read in " You can heal your life" by Lousie L hay, that we choose our parents. We choose them because in this world they were the best fit for us to learn the lessons we have chosen to learn. If it weren't for them, we would not be equipped to perceive and react in a way, that teaches us what we are seeking to learn. So thank you Ma and Pa.

Live and Let Live - in the same way, you would not want anyone to mock or question your beliefs or way of being, don't question or mock others. Everyone chooses to be who they are, for which you are not responsible. If they come to you for help , help them find themselves...introduce them to your way of being and let them find their own way. You are only an aide to others not them. Advise and Respect.

1

Defining one self.
Define I.
I am a dark person.
A need for dark emotion to feel alive.
Devoid of human attention?
Fear, Paranoia, Anxiety needs to be numbed
Trying to shine the positive light
Getting weaker and weaker
Dimming lights, heavy shoulders, confusion in sight
Lift me, she cries
Cries drowned to no existence
Shivers at the silence
At the power of the dark
The dark takes over
The dark takes action
The dark knows..
The dark feels and knows

Phsychonaut - sailor of the mind/soul. Psychonautics refers to the methodology of voluntarily immersing one's self into an altered state to explore human experience and existence.

I realized the other day, that is what I am. I am trying to find myself, my reason for existence, heighten the experience of everyday life when I am getting high. So I am a psychonaut.

I was listening to a talk by a motivational speaker - TED series. Pretty good. A lot of what he was saying made a lot of sense but what touched me the most was when he said define life and its goals according to your idea..just make sure the idea is your own. Not anybody else's but your own.

I feel that disconnect. The things I want I am working toward but my motivation, my drive hasn't quite been my own. My idea of success is to be able to do everything that I put my mind to in the effort of being the best that I can be. But the goal setting is happening at a pace that is not my own. I constantly set expectations that I fully well know I am not going to be able to meet. But still, set them and then give myself a long lecture as to how I could have improved, what else I could have done, again fully well knowing these things are just theoretical in my life. And the cycle continues. Looking for a connect between me and my goals.

"HOney got a booty like Pow pow pow, honey got some boobies like wow wow wow"...these are the words of today's commercial music that I love listening and dancing to. I have identified with this culture of objectifying women. Not in a bad way. For example, I am attracted to successful, confident men. I also happen to think I am extremely hot when I have accomplished a goal, achieved something, am completely waxed, slim...on point.It's attractive. Tying that with my sexual appetite, I am totally hot if I let myself be. Do what I need to do.

Have confidence. Believe.Pace.

I am a psychonaut trying to define or invent my existence...make me the person I am...
discovery#1 attracted to extremes without fear of consequences - extremely hot

Sour Grape

Family.." The whole world will leave you, but your family won't". That is the belief system I have grown up with. Watching both of my parents practice these values has it ingrained.
My dad is a family man. He provides for the needs of his family. He offers to lend a helping hand to his family. Today I heard him being a petty brother. A petty brother to my aunt. I don't know what happened between them but he is still so bitter about it. He shuts everyone's advice out with cutting words. Its scary. It really scares me to even try saying anything. I want to ask why so bad, I feel it bursting... out but no words come out.
If someone hasn't hurt or isn't a threat to anyone you love, if the person still cares for you deeply, what could they have done that you cannot forget or forgive?
And she went through something. She went through the loss of a son. Yes, you were upset too, but nothing comparable to the pain of a parent. For that reason and the fact that she is your sister, she is entitled to extra care. Extra attention.
What is more important than a relationship?What is so big that you cannot put it behind you and move ahead? You obviously still care about her too. You are still being affected by situation, You are still mad.If she was someone you didn't care about, the anger would have dissipated a long time ago.
Think of the happiness it would bring. To Mummy, Daddy.
You brought us up great. We all get along and are close. But as parents, how you would you feel if we constantly fought and hated each other?
I don't mean to disrespect or offend you in any way. After listening to that conversation , I felt that I needed to be open and share this with you. After all, you are my father. We were bound to have serious family conversations at some point.Things may be better if you discuss it with someone and it who better than someone you can completely trust, a family member - me.
No matter what happens our relationship is not going to change. We may dislike/disagree with respect to certain situations and actions but if anyone is saying anything, you know its because we love each other and want whats best for the other.
So please think and re-consider.

We are ALL family.